I loved you in The Transporter. You were great in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Snatch was fantastic. Possibly you were the only good thing about The One. You were definitely one of the best things about The Italian Job. You have clearly found your niche. I was even a fan of Crank. Which is why I can’t figure out how you keep signing on for crap films.

I mean, Transporter 2 – let’s just face it – was TERRIBLE. Fighting during a plane crash? Really? I actually shelled out cash to see that one in the theater (albeit a matinee). That ridiculous fight scene was going on, I leaned over to Spouse and said, “Seriously? If he fights a shark WE’RE LEAVING.” Because at that point, I didn’t think it was out of the realm of possibility.

And while In the Name of the King wasn’t the worst movie ever (*cough* You Got Served *cough* Dungeons and Dragons) it was RIGHT UP THERE. Who thought it would be a good idea to take on a role where YOUR NAME WAS YOUR JOB. It’s not like this was George Orwell or something. To be fair, you weren’t the only big name to get taken on that film. I couldn’t believe the number of famous people who signed on for that bag of suck, but I would have thought you’d learned a lesson.

But no. NOW I see that you’re in Death Race, which is Running Man with a Mad Max/Transporter makeover. Did you really think this was a good idea? Did they just pay you a lot of cash? Would you please just go ahead and say so in your press junket because at this point I’m beginning to think you’ve suffered brain damage. I’m seriously afraid of Transporter 3 and Crank 2.

I want to like your movies. I want to go see your movies in the theater. I LOVE car chases and huge explosions. I LIKE loud movies and hand to hand combat. It’s just that I really can’t pay $10 to see something that actually makes me want to get up and leave.

Also, if you start using some spray-on hair, we’re all over.

Hoping you actually start to READ scripts,

P.S., How can you have Crank 2 when you DIED at the end of Crank. Not fake-you-out kind of death, DROPPING FROM A HELICOPTER WITH NO PARACHUTE death.

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