I hate yoga classes

Okay, we all know that’s not ENTIRELY true but I went to a new class this week and that’s always a crapshoot.

Let’s start with the fact that I teach. Rather, I have taught (it’s been about a year since I taught a yoga class) and did so for several years. That makes it hard to go to a lot of classes anyhow, just because I have to get my own head out of the way in order to focus. This was easier, by the way, BEFORE I taught.

So when we accept that, there’s the fact that I’m attending a beginning class. No big – just that the system requires it before I can take a different class. I can get something out of ANY class (benefits of having been a teacher) but beginning classes can be… twitchy.

Last but not least, a teacher with whom I have no experience. No word of mouth, just going in cold. Not the best way to start a new class, that’s all I’m saying.

We start Threading The Needle. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say – even though I’m not “supposed” to say it – that Threading the Needle is the worst fucking yoga move ever. Lots of people teach it. Hell, my TRAINING CENTER taught it. But if you look at it – if you watch someone DOING it – you will see what I mean. There’s no good safe way to explain this position without having your hands on someone (a physical impossibility in a decent sized class), it puts pressure on the neck, shoulders and back which could EASILY cause damage and – speaking ONLY for myself – it doesn’t do a damn thing for me. Nothing.

So yeah. Inauspicious start. Followed by standing and swinging arms as though it’s a stretch. Ugh. I was managing to let this go, honest, getting out of my head and focusing on my form. This is an instructor who does the class while teaching so I kind of shuddered when I saw some truly uncomfortable looking down dogs but HEY. NOT MY CLASS. I even mostly ignored the “breathe into your inner thighs” nonsense (albeit with a truly juvenile internal monologue that went something like “If I could do THAT I’d never leave the house! Heh! Heh! It’s the fuckin Catalina Wine Mixer!”).

I did my usual thing, modifying to what I needed and got decent muscle burn all the way through to savasana. I lay down, pulled my sweatshirt hood up, got comfortable and started to relax. And then I hear the instructor telling us to relax various parts of our bodies. “Relax your shins.”

I’M SORRY. WHAT? It’s a fucking BONE. It’s a SOLID STATE. It is IMPOSSIBLE TO RELAX A BONE. So that tweaked me. Then she continued through some other soft tissue and then back to cheekbones and TEETH. RELAX YOUR TEETH? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

I do not know if she’s a new teacher or not. I didn’t ask and I’m kind of ascribing that status because it makes me want to grit my teeth less. This is the thing I think is wrong with yoga. Not that people do it in different ways or have different styles – I think that’s great – but this embracing idiotic woo-woo talk that doesn’t MAKE SENSE to the people you’re ostensibly TEACHING. Woo-woo, by the way, has NOTHING to do with spirituality and everything to do with new age bullshit. You can’t breathe into your inner thighs unless you a) have lungs in your legs or 2) are Cirque de Soliel flexible and if that’s the case I think we can all agree you ain’t BREATHING down there.

Talk about muscle movement and for CRIPE’S SAKE please talk about the CORRECT muscle (sorry lady, that wasn’t the I. T. band). Talk about using your breath to concentrate. Talk about ways to change the movements and change how the pose feels. Leave your woo-woo at home.